| Clarification |
[06 May 2008|10:15am] |
|
Just thought I'd clarify, a bit. It's not that i have a problem with settling down to lead quieter lives, it's just that I sometimes feel that very few people understand how difficult it is to sit here, stuck in college, when there's so much that needs to be done. Really it's a narcissistic problem. I feel less crazy and desperate when I can talk to someone about what I want to accomplish. And sometime you don't get the same kind of feedback from someone who thinks you are out of your skull. Which is probably not such an inaccurate assessment of me, but at least I can make cupcakes.
|
|
|
[06 May 2008|03:27am] |
I am up too late, reading a book called Packaging Girlhood. I should probably not read critiques on media: they make me feel desperate.
It's nights like these that I am terrified that I am not changing the world fast enough.
I was trying to decide who I would go to to talk about this. I love my ASKs, but even among them I sometimes feel like I'm wandering around in left field, holding a cricket bat and shouting about the wrongs in the universe, while they're looking at me and wondering how the hell I ended up on their baseball team. As a result of this I am not waking Andrea and Promise.
It's not like Zack would grasp it particularly well, either. He is supportive, yes, but I don't think he really understands. Sometimes my various missions (the magazine, the school, the novels, the recently conceived media network) seem more like a physical necessity to my continued existence than a hobby. I imagine that most people would suggest that I go get evaluated for saying shit like that.
At one time I would have gone to Brian, but he's being super weird lately.
So anyway, I'm up, writing this instead of shooting off an email to a couple of women who wrote a fantastic book about what I want to do with my life and could they possibly help me? I have to stop myself from doing that ALL the time. Because honestly, right now, i'm not ready or willing to drop out of school to run a magazine.
I'm starving. sigh.
I don't know. I guess i'm feeling particularly alone in my obsessions lately. It seems like many of my friends are going to be content to settle down, have families, work in careers that they enjoy, but not... I don't know... make something huge. Get married. blah, blah, blah. I had a sort of argument with Brian today about love. i am still maintaining that the entire kit and kaboodle is nonsense.
I wish I could fast forward until the point when i can stop getting my damn education already and start making some serious waves.
|
|
| <3 Zack |
[26 Mar 2008|12:06am] |
Zack taught me a new trick!
public enum Mood{HAPPY, SAD, BUCKETY;
public boolean eatHat()
{
return this.equals(BUCKETY);
}
}
|
|
| Slightly Schizophrenic |
[23 Feb 2008|10:44am] |
I wonder what people would think if they could review my eBay purchase history. Lately, it's been antique typewriters (specifically Underwoods... I want an Underwood #5 in mint condition with glass and brass keys that have black backings) and saris, and Kodachrome film, all parts of recent obsessions.
I've been coding like crazy, lately, and my new cell phone still hasn't arrived. So if I've been difficult to reach via cell phone, that's why. Try sending me an email--it'll be way more effective.
I have not been taking care of myself at all lately. Also, I have been skipping too many classes in order to fit in sleep, coding, work, grading, and all of that good shit. So far I have missed 1 class for AI, 2 classes for OS, and 3 classes for both Girls and Culture and Technical Writing. This is horrible on all fronts, but as I am taking a break from one of my jobs, I think it'll get better in the next few weeks. I am looking forward to getting completely, 100% unpacked, and settling down into a schedule where I actually eat three meals a day, instead of coding/grading/studying like a maniac.
Granted, the grading for applied logic has been easier this semester. It seems that if this class doesn't have the correct answer, they just don't answer the question at all. This makes life far easier for me as a grader, as then I do not have to worry about partial credit, which is the hard part of grading anyway.
I learned yesterday (though I had already assumed) that I did not get the CS scholarship that I applied for last semester. I don't know how I feel about that. There are a number of reasons that I could have been rejected: currently, I'm still on a pretty good scholarship. There's a limit on the amount of money they're allowed to give students. Maybe there was someone who needed it more? But I am concerned that the department thinks that I'm just not a terribly good computer scientist. The essay portion of the application required us to outline our goals post-graduation. I don't think that I wrote enough, perhaps, about things like, "solve the P vs NP problem" and "design process schedulers that grow accustomed to the tasks you most commonly perform and then weight those tasks with the highest priority". It was more along the lines of "change the world". Granted, if I can't get some scholarships, I will not be sticking around for my master's degree, so whatever. Not that after this semester, I'm sure that I'm going to want to get my master's degree.
My birthday is coming up this weekend. I was planning on, instead of asking for presents, having everyone pitch in five to ten bucks to get unfired porcelain plates, and then paint them. I would then have those plates fired, and would actually have dishwasher and microwave safe plates that are cool and unique. This is something that I lack a lot, currently. However, I think this will prove to be too much work, and expensive, to boot. Actually, the closer I get, the less interested I am in throwing myself a birthday party. This is usually how it works. I was really excited last year, and it was a great party, but this year I am just tired and annoyed.
I have a paper to write by Monday. Six pages on whether girl hood is a social construct or a biological reality. I think my thesis is going to be something akin to, "Girls are what we allow them to be." I think this is more or less true. I have always hated this kind of paper. I've always hated papers. This is one of the many reasons I am in CS. I have always hated papers.
I interviewed for a job yesterday as a web developer. I really wanted the gig, but I doubt I will get it. There was a "skills assessment test" that I had to take, and I'm confident that I bombed it miserably. I forgot a lot of my html and css syntax, in addition to not knowing most of the stuff they asked me about operating systems (both windows and unix-based), or what DHCP stood for. (There was an entire page of definitions. Some of the stuff was not too bad, RAID, etc, things I knew, and then some of them I've never heard of.) I did get to see the server room in the National Weather Center, and that was pretty cool. Okay, am I misspelling center? Because not one, but two different spell checks have told me that Center is not the appropriate way to spell it. I am confused.
But what else is new?
I'm getting tired of being here, sort of bored with my life (though I'm almost too busy to do anything but put my head down and survive). Zack's parents are taking me to Mexico with the family for their 25th anniversary. I'm looking forward to this. My parent's 25th wedding anniversary is 4 days after Zack's parents' anniversary, which is neat. (Zack is 6 months younger than Shanna, Cody is 6 months younger than I am.) I am in the process of sorting through and digitizing all of the memorabilia that my parents have saved for years and years, which I hope will be my anniversary present to them, though I would like to do something more special. Send them on an actual vacation, for once.
Anyway, at least I will be briefly getting some new scenery. A week at a condo on the beach! I will be able to learn to surf. And if I get licensed to scuba dive before hand, I can do that as well! So all of this swimmy swimmy swimmy stuff that Promise and I have been doing will be useful in yet another way.
Speaking of swimmy swimmy swimmy, I've been practicing flip turns. I'm not great at them yet-my angles are off and I'm still using my arms as a pivot point to keep my rotation straight. Also, I have repeatedly filled my sinuses with water. Whee. But I will eventually get there. Now that Promise has an inhaler and can breathe, she's been lapping me when I stop to listen to the radio (Simon and Garfunkle's Kodachrome has been playing a lot lately, and I often stop lapping to listen to it.) No sign of the redhead since that one time last month.
Well, I'm hungry and it's past time for both breakfast and research. So I will go eat breakfast. And then hang saris. Because that is the appropriate response to needing to research. Maybe my cell phone will arrive today.
|
|
| Snow |
[31 Jan 2008|01:35pm] |
Today it snowed.
Winter reminds me of Berlin, my first full day alone, looking for a grocery store.
But in Berlin I had gloves, a hat, scarves. Here, in my red trench coat, carrying boots that proved not to be waterproof, I hid one hand in my pocket to protect it from the biting wind. I switch hands--carry the boots in the left, right hand in the pocket, carry the boots in the right, left hand in the pocket. The gray of the concrete, the white of the snow.
My warm room, tiny, in Berlin, illuminated in light against the gray cold outside. The smell of dark soil and the bright cheer of my bulb plants. I miss it so much.
Not as eloquent as it is in my head, so overwhelmed with the sense of memory. Winter here is hell. Winter in Germany, as much as it lasted forever, was bearable, beautiful, even.
My ears are cold, my cheeks pink. My breath foams in clouds.
i miss Berlin. (home?)
|
|
|
[08 Jan 2008|05:46pm] |
swam: 5400 feet (1 mile, 180 feet)
cooked: indonesian red rice salad
made: lots of flyers for rush
am tired. desire to brush my teeth.
|
|
|
[30 Nov 2007|01:32pm] |
Notice:
It is the end of the semester. I have code that was due on monday that I am still writing. (It is still not doing what I want it to do.)
If I have not returned your calls recently, please, for the love of all that is good and righteous, be patient. I will call you as soon as finals are over and I have passed my classes. I love you all, but it is really important to me that I eventually graduate.
Rachel
|
|
|
[21 Nov 2007|11:44pm] |
I am in a super-good mood. It's been a long time since I've had a truly unencumbered evening. And it's not as though I don't have things I could be doing. But with Zack out of town and no one expecting me, I am blissfully, blissfully free. It was such a nice feeling to think, after going to a movie with my sister, "Hey, I could go see another movie!"
I've been super-productive today, as far as cooking goes. I made two pies. One is a bourbon apple pie that I expect will be absolutely decadent. I actually peeled the apples, which is unusual for me. But most of the nutrients are in the peel, so I tossed the peels in the food processor with some fighting cock, maker's mark, butter and spices, and used that for my pie binding gooey stuff. The pie crust, store brand, was sub-par and made of fail, but it worked okay. I also made a pear-cranberry pie. We'll see how that one turns out. I sent the apple pie with Zack for his family's thanksgiving celebration. I didn't want to compete with my grandmother in apple pie territory. Tomorrow I will make a pumpkin caramel-apple cheesecake and roast vegetables, to take to my grandmother's. I'm feeling very cook-y lately. I'm going to do a batch of cranberry pomegranate apple cider pretty soon.
It was good to feel free tonight. I haven't felt like that since Berlin. Nice to not have anyone to worry about.
|
|
|
[10 Oct 2007|10:00pm] |
Updates from the world of Rachel:
Things are going pretty well. I'm having a hell of a time finding out the specific quantity of soluble fiber in certain foods.
I don't believe in love anymore. This is not a new development, by the way.
I think that nondeterministic finite automata are magic. And basically, they are. Mathemagic.
|
|
|
[02 Oct 2007|09:15pm] |
I am such a water baby... It was hot and dry, and I was irritable, but now the rains have returned, along with my serenity.
That word makes me both so happy and so desperately sad. Serenity, I mean. When I have loads of money, that will be the first thing I do: bring back Firefly.
God, what a storm.
|
|
| Still Alive |
[15 Aug 2007|11:33am] |
I'm still flying like a madman... but my check-ride is tomorrow! And I'm only 30 flight hours over. That, by the way, is going to cost me roughly 3000... but we're not going to think about this.
Anyway, these appeared in my inbox this morning. I found them entertaining... And perhaps too true. So, some filler.
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do
read the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-.George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man. Which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
|
|
| Lyrics from the best movie EVER |
[03 Jul 2007|09:25am] |
Everyone who hasn't seen it yet: go see Waitress. Buy it on DVD. it's amazing. I think, hands down, my favorite movie ever. This is a song from it.
"Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle. Baby don't be blue, gonna make for you, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle. Gonna make a pie from heaven above, gonna be filled with strawberry love. Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie, and hold you forever in the middle of my heart. "
|
|
| Late Night Wiki Lullaby |
[03 Jul 2007|02:20am] |
So, in wondering just what the heck it is that people with insomnia did before there was the internet, I ended up writing a poem utilizing the random article feature on wiki. It was fun. Also, I came up with something that I even kind of like. You guys can guess the articles. And next time I will maybe post what article when with which line.
Late night wiki lullaby
instead of fries and ketchup
wiki trickles by
sings a song of summertime
porgy and bess, seminary style.
It is a well known fact, honey child
sweet as wheat, milk mild,
that tigers are better-looking.
now don't talk back, sweet baby, don't talk back
that algorithm's gonna echo
all across the pony canyon
to where the night stallions run in Siam
Demodand, dandy baby demodand
do dungeons, dandy demodand,
don't dragons disturb you?
And who do you send your prayers to,
when those shrieking terror fiends
fall upon your friends,
bantam, feather, heavyweight
disaster dandy dreamer.
The magic hour, dreamer mine,
is not just one, more like nine
but 2+2=5 only in those lukewarm technicolor dreams
where the man on the radio says it's just too easy
too easy to slay the leader with the words he twists to suit.
In that cave of optimism, slavic and delicious,
no one dares to break my babe's sweet heart.
don't cry, love, this lullaby was wrote for David, too.
Goliath ain't got that rhythm blue
russian blue blood banking on Aton
to invest in the inter' state we're in, stuck 'tween god and hell.
I'm no doubting Thomas, baby, fables put aside
but someone lost a chapter here
and we're along for a ride.
So close your eyes, honey child, and sleep on Mazo Beach.
It's funny how sweet the sand can be, honeysuckle love, saint sunshine summer
sing me to sleep, saint sunshine summer, sing those 40th street fillies.
roglio del la O, de la O, roglio, sing me to sleep.
|
|
|
[30 Jun 2007|12:48am] |
I was browsing through some of my journal entries from Berlin. god, I miss that place like I miss breathing. I am so desperate for adventure and challenge and stuff that I could... I don't know. Explode from wanting, I guess.
I miss running towards a castle every night. I miss the rumble of the trains, my reflection in the train window, Philip's dirty jokes, the Mensa, the green, the days that began early and lasted forever.
I wonder if any summer will ever be that perfect again. So far this summer is falling far short of that.
watching food network. Giada's Weekend Getaways. Chicago. Giada annoys the living daylights out of me. General consensus is that she is food network's version of soft core food porn. However, I envy her. Santorini, Hawaii, Chicago...
you know, the cruelest thing is that I have spent enough time in Germany that I can't go back if I want to apply for the Fulbright scholarship. Sigh.
Alton Brown to soothe my soul.
something is missing in my life. wonder how long it's going to take me to track it down.
|
|
| Babies on the brain, I guess |
[22 Jun 2007|10:03am] |
So my sister recently decided that I should get pregnant (since it's comparably easy for me) and then instead of having an abortion, I should carry it to term and give it to her as a gift!
This is possibly the reason that I had a horrendous nightmare last night about being given a baby to take care of and then accidentally forgetting about it and leaving it facedown in my bedroom for a week. I suppose at some point during that week the baby died, and my dad was very disappointed in me. And then there was a boat and zombies and a crocodile, and my brother wanted to chop my hands off, and then there was this crazy actor/head of a sorority who actually thought she was the character in the movie about old west villian something McMagnus, and was determined to get me to believe that I was actually my character, and didn't I want to jump into the zombie infested water with her? The she and her comrades attempted to run me over with a steamroller while I was sunbathing in the jungle (that was apparently also on the boat). I escaped from them, but they pretended that I had tried to run them over (why was there a jungle on this boat, anyway, and why was I sunbathing in a dense jungle to begin with) and managed to turn the rest of the boat's population against me, at which point they decided my fate with a game that was somewhere between "cups" and tiddly-winks.
It is dreams like these that make me think that gorgonzola is not a good condiment for pizza.
|
|
|
[19 Jun 2007|11:12pm] |
So today, I felt like cooking.
I ended up making:
a savory sweet potato tart
braised carrots with garlic and thyme
sirloin stuffed with bourbon drenched fruit, spinach, and feta
bruschetta with gorgonzola and honey
and lemon surprise strawberry cupcakes with lemon cream cheese icing
Some of these were a decent success. The carrots were okay, the sirloin was not bad at all, and I really liked the bruschetta. The cupcakes were less than successful... And I'm not 100% sure why. They're a little too dense. This could be because I substituted oil for butter. I made my own buttermilk, because I didn't have any. The recipe called for two eggs, but no leavening. So this all probably contributed to the less than stellar product.
The sweet potato tart, although it hasn't been officially tried yet, is a little weird, from the tidbits I've had of it. The original recipe was for a vanilla sweet potato pureee. Which was amazing. Heidi Swanson, whose blog the recipe is from, suggested throwing in a couple of eggs and some grated cheese and viola! A tart filling.
Well, I threw in some eggs, and grated up some parmesean... and added garlic, black pepper (as the recipe originally called for), salt, thyme, and cloves. It's.... uh... weird. So I guess we'll see.
I'm a good little housewife, except that zack has taken to calling me his "little tornado" because after such an elaborate cooking spree, the kitchen is kind of a wreck.
Sigh. Rachel needs to get a job. Or she's going to weigh ten thousand pounds by the end of the summer.
|
|
| bad night for a cross country |
[19 Jun 2007|12:52am] |
So I might be the world's worst pilot. God, it's only the most stressful thing I have put myself through. Ever. And seeing as how I have been through harp competition (about which I still have nightmares), that's saying something. I'm going to have an ulcer by the time I get my license. <i>If</i> I get my license. I'm dead tired and twice as sleepy, but too hyped on adrenaline and disappointment to sleep.
And so I turn to the internet to soothe me.
Not that there's much interesting going down in internet land tonight. So here's a poem I wrote in data structures. It's called "I take my bourbon noir"
she was steeped in manufactured mystery
wrapped in red satin
sitting at the bar drinking her whisky neat.
I was in the kind of trouble
that begins with drinking the north Atlantic--
eyes of a garnet lipped doll
just begging for blood and the sweet sulphur of gunpowder
or sex or life or death
(I get them all confused sometimes)--
and ends with aching
nietzche was right--
she was cocked and loaded
and had me so drunk
that I couldn't
couldn't count the rounds
spinning probability possibly impossible
impossible kaleidescope of lead
carousel horses hooves thundering as they carry my sighed prayers to gods who don't care
as she slid my finger on the trigger.
and she was cold
steel
but she was warm where I touched her
my name falling off her lips like she loved me
and maybe she loved me
and maybe I loved her
but luck was never my lady
and all that was left of those ocean eyes and cold steel whispers
were red satin shadows and sulphur
and lead carnival horses thundering my prayers to hell
|
|
| Grades came today |
[18 May 2007|12:11pm] |
AND I PASSED DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS!!!
AND NOT ONLY DID I PASS, I MADE A GOOD GRADE!
B in Dif. EQ? I think so! HELL YES!
|
|
|
[09 May 2007|04:38pm] |
I had forgotten that I have the best ideas when I am completely fucking sleep deprived.
Ideas from Today
1. lily pad shaped water bed. Headboard/nightstand should be replaced with a giant pink lily flower.
2. A boat pillow to be placed on a water bed, as a children's toy. It would be made out of firm foam.
3. "Raising Cain" -- a story/graphic novel about the family that adopts Cain after he is banished from wherever he is originally from. Judea, maybe? Anyway, after he offs Abel. The story might consist mostly of conversations between Cain and his therapist.
I'm really really twitchy. Still.
|
|
| Not dead! |
[09 May 2007|10:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
alive!! as in not dead! |
] |
I have excellent news!
I took my differential equations final and I didn't die!
I've been awake since 2 am, and I have consumed 3 servings of AMP, which means that I haven't stopped moving and that my liver hurts, but I didn't die!
Also, I think I might have done okay. Probably not well enough to not have to retake the class, but I think I made a mid-B. Which would rock.
I wore my pajama pants to class! And a necklace that Wiggle made for me! And I'm not dead! Look, I'm typing! And I'm not dead!
Also, I should never start a crack habit. Because I would annoy the living daylights out of EVERYONE.
Also, my eyes hurt. And I feel really twitchy.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dangerousideal's journal